


From the Outbox of T. R. Matthews, Ph.D.

by Miss_M



Category: FAQ: The "Snake Fight" Portion Of Your Thesis Defense (McSweeney's Post) - Luke Burns
Genre: Academia, Crack Treated Seriously, E-mail, Epistolary, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, POV First Person, Passive-aggression, Snakes, Snark, Worldbuilding, Yuletide Treat, mention of harm to animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_M/pseuds/Miss_M
Summary: Please do not assume that selecting an ambitious, snake-related thesis topic would exempt you from the snake-fight portion of the thesis defense, nor would it influence the choice of snake.
Comments: 50
Kudos: 156
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	From the Outbox of T. R. Matthews, Ph.D.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bobcatmoran](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bobcatmoran/gifts).



> I own nothing.

**Re: PhD application query**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Jay Matsuda <ja_yo@gmail.com>

Dear Jay,

Thank you for your interest in our Ph.D. program in English. While your idea for a possible thesis topic is certainly original, I wonder whether you have considered the challenges such a diachronic topic would present. In order to write _Snakes in English Literary History from Grendel to Kaa_ , not only would you need to master the history of English literature spanning a millennium, but you also would have to acquire a working knowledge of Old English and Middle English as well as learn to read handwritten manuscripts and early print sources. In addition, while your one-paragraph proposal has oomph and vigor, you would need to prove to your committee’s satisfaction that Grendel could indeed be interpreted as a snake, to say nothing of some of the other characters you mention – Mr. Wickham arguably _is_ a metaphorical snake in the grass, but that takes us into a whole other field of inquiry.

I say all this not to discourage you from applying and pursing a graduate education, but only to give you a clearer sense of the inner workings of academia, should you choose to join our ranks. This is also why I will presume to bring up a topic that may not have entered into your decision-making but would be worth clarifying before you apply. Please do not assume that selecting an ambitious, snake-related thesis topic would exempt you from the snake-fight portion of the thesis defense, nor would it influence the choice of snake. The outcome of your thesis defense is determined by two factors only: the quality of your work (not the research topic or the snake puns in the acknowledgments) and your ability to meet the challenges of the defense itself. I offer this advice in good faith, based on ample experience from all my years of graduate teaching.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out.

Best,  
T. R. Matthews

P. S. One more piece of advice, which I trust will serve you well in whatever career you choose to pursue: make an email account that is just your name (for example, jay_matsuda@gmail.com), not a joke or a phrase that means something to you and confuses everyone else. Ditto, when contacting potential graduate advisors, you might consider writing from your current school’s email account. Harrows Landing College may be a small school, but that is nothing for you to be ashamed of.

T. R. Matthews, Ph.D.  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of English Literature and Linguistics  
New from me: _Navigating Space in_ The Wasteland _and_ To the Lighthouse _: A Study in Modernist Geopoetics_ (now available in paperback)

**Re: blatant discrimination**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Alex R. Gomez <argomez@stsu.edu>

Dear Alex,

You raise a very interesting point about the enduring association of snakes with evil as both an anti-Semitic trope and a sign of the “Christian influence in the so-called liberal arts.” (I am quoting from your email.) However, you might consider that the snake-fight practice also symbolizes the scholar’s struggle in the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom, as well as fertility (in this context, the cross-fertilization of ideas) and rebirth (entering a new phase of one’s life – or, at least, one’s academic career). The “Dead White Men” who, as you put it, “bequeathed to us their antiquated notions of the scholar’s journey” were at least as indebted to the Greeks as they were to “Judeo-Christianity.” Since their time, the meaning of the snake fight has continued to evolve.

You are, of course, welcome to petition the university to have the snake fight removed from requirements for obtaining a Ph.D. Before you do, I recommend you consult the Student Senate’s archive housed in the library. You may find the number of such petitions at our institution alone illuminating, ditto the variety of arguments presented. Interlibrary Loan staff may help you obtain any of the several graduate theses in History, Education, Sociology, and Animal Studies written over the last twenty-odd years, which have looked at anti-snake-fight student petitions and protests in this country and in Europe since at least the Enlightenment era.

If you would like to discuss this further as you weigh staying on at STSU for your Ph.D., I would be happy to talk more. In the meantime, I look forward to reading the first draft of your honors thesis’ introduction and literature review.

Best,  
T. R. Matthews

**Re: Meeting follow-up**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Jesse Platz <dean_platz@stsu.edu>

Dear Jesse,

While I appreciate your following up about our discussion yesterday, I fail to see what more there is to be said. Taylor Rubin’s parents are grieving, and I do not presume to question how they choose to express their grief.

However, pursuing a Ph.D. in English literature is neither mandated by law nor is it a requirement for entry into the competitive job market in the same way that, alas, a bachelor’s degree is in this day and age. Taylor was an adult who chose of their own free will to pursue a graduate education for which they lacked the intellectual aptitude as well as the necessary writing skills. (Frankly, had they not been self-financing, I doubt they would have progressed to the thesis-defense stage, and thus would have been spared the snake-fight portion of the defense. This touches on a larger issue of graduate funding which I might broach at the next A&S town hall.) A part of graduate training is learning to assess one’s own work critically, which also means being able to form a reasonable assumption about what kind of snake will feature at one’s defense. If memory serves (and it does), you yourself are quite fond of bragging about hooking a lasso made out of your necktie around the head of the _Nerodia_ at your defense, though I would point out that anyone who advances as far as the ABD stage should be able to identify a nonvenomous green water snake on sight.

But I digress. Taylor knew about the snake-fight requirement even before they applied to our program, they knew they would face the same challenge at any reputable, accredited institution, and they chose to pursue what they were fond of describing as their “dream” regardless. The boa constrictor selected by Facilities Management for their thesis defense was wholly appropriate to the circumstances, and in no way can be said to reflect the university’s adverse attitude toward Taylor but merely a commensurate response to the quality of their thesis research and writing. Any experienced judge will throw out the Rubins’ lawsuit, not to mention I heard on the grapevine that Judge Mehta is an alum. If I may be permitted the rhetorical flourish, given the circumstances: I rest my case.

We are all very sad and distressed over what happened to Taylor. Nevertheless, it was in no way the university’s, the English Department’s, or my (as Taylor’s erstwhile advisor) fault.

Collegially,  
T. R.

**Re: Re: Urgent! Religious exemption for thesis defense**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Morgen Santorini <msantorini@stsu.edu>

Dear Morgen,

I understand that you are nervous about your thesis defense on Monday, but there is absolutely nothing I can do until you contact the Graduate College and submit the necessary paperwork.

As I already explained to you, physically fighting or killing the snake is not mandatory. You may trap it, trick it, put it to sleep, all of which should be acceptable under the Jain requirement to harm no living creature, but of course I would encourage you to discuss this with your guru before the defense. You are, however, not exempt from the snake fight under any circumstances, even if the term “snake fight” is somewhat obsolete and simplistic. The rules governing the thesis defense are clear, but they do allow the candidate some latitude for personal preference, temperament, degree of squeamishness, and religious restrictions.

Nevertheless, all this will be purely academic until and unless you obtain the necessary paperwork and submit it for approval no later than EOD on Friday. Although I did not learn of your religious beliefs till last week, I am happy to provide you with every possible accommodation, but I too am governed by clear rules set down by this university.

Good luck,  
T. R. Matthews

**Request to change snake order for Dept. of English defense, Monday, 10 a.m.**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Facilities Management & Safety <fmservicedesk@stsu.edu>

To Whom It May Concern:

I am sorry to write to you on relatively short notice, but I was wondering if it would be possible to adjust my procurement request for Morgen Santorini’s Ph.D. defense on Monday. Having reread portions of their thesis, I have concluded that Morgen’s central argument is somewhat weaker than I – guided by my good will toward Morgen as my advisee – initially thought, and that Morgen’s footnotes could have used more proofreading. Can you please adjust the choice of snake accordingly? I am attaching an amended procurement form, but if it cannot be processed in time, it’s fine – I’m sure a suitable snake will be provided either way.

Thank you,

T. R. Matthews  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of English Literature and Linguistics  
New from me: _Navigating Space in_ The Wasteland _and_ To the Lighthouse _: A Study in Modernist Geopoetics_ (now available in paperback)

**Re: Re: Meeting follow-up**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Jesse Platz <dean_platz@stsu.edu>

Jesse,

I will not discuss my emotional reaction – or lack thereof – to Taylor Rubin’s death, nor will I be baited into disparaging an academic rite of passage which has been navigated successfully by many more Ph.D. candidates than there have been those who failed. There was no call for you to bring up that the cobra at my defense was milked, which you know I didn’t learn about until afterward. I ran out of time to proofread my footnotes and bibliography, so I do not blame my committee for pulling that trick on me, but that is not the point: you know how I hate being reminded of this.

Furthermore, do please try to resist the temptation to condescend to me by reminding me that this is a Sunshine Law state. My comment about Judge Mehta was neither inappropriate nor prejudicial, but merely a reiteration of my point about the university’s legal standing vis-à-vis the Rubin family. If you want to talk about Sunshine Laws, what about the email you just sent me, to which I have been obliged to respond, which I now have done?

T. R.

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thesis defense**  
From: T. R. Matthews <matthews@stsu.edu>  
To: Stevie Ulichny <sulichny@stsu.edu>

Stevie,

We have gone over this several times already: your committee members will be protected by Plexiglas shields at one end of the room **_you_** reserved for your defense. All Ph.D. candidates are encouraged to select the room carefully, with an eye to how they might use the room’s layout and furnishings during the snake-fight portion of the defense. In addition, as soon as you became ABD, I strongly suggested that you sign up for animal wrestling, self-defense, and wilderness survival classes offered at the Rec Center free of charge to all students. At your defense, you are not entitled to Plexiglas, plastic, or similar shields, nor weapons, defensive tools, body armor, or other protective equipment. You may bring an implement which falls outside of those categories, such as a musical instrument with which to try hypnotizing the snake, if you think it will help, but whether you will be allowed to use it is left to the committee’s discretion. Likewise, we went over the dress code and what leeway it allows for clothing items to be used during the snake fight.

Now, having said (rather, reiterated) all that, I am not going to answer another question about your defense which starts with “but what about” or a related phrase. I suggest you focus on editing and proofreading your introduction and conclusion, triple-checking your citations, and working on your combat skills. Any or all of these would be vastly better uses of your time than trying to find a workaround for university regulations you knew about before you entered the program, and if you didn’t, they were laid out clearly during your graduate orientation nine years ago.

Good luck,  
T. R. Matthews


End file.
